The CURSE

And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master. Genesis 3:10

I am cursed to want you
I'm cursed to love you
I'm cursed to desire you
I'm cursed to fear you
the power you have
over me
Will you treat me right
will you keep me safe
will you protect me - even from yourself?

Who is my protector
Who will fight for me
Who will guard my honour
Rescue me?

I......don't know how

We need to talk
But can I tell you
of the fears inside
my mind

I need to tell you
But I don't know
if you will
respond in kind

Rejection?
Retreat?
Take the safety net
from under my feet?

I want to tell you
I'm lost inside my head
I want to love you
Can it be said?

Bare

Love the skin
Real contact
Heat within
Natural body
Real & true
Nothing fake
Red not blue

Closer contact
Made it real
Made it human
Meant I feel

Liquid swallowed

Liquid
swallowed
Makes
me
think
Kinda
pensive
Need
a
shrink

Missing your strength

I miss you
As I feel, so much
I miss your strength
Your wisdom
Your intellect!

You write
you debate
You think
And all I can do is feel!

So hard being me sometimes
And all I want is your strength
your sanity
as I get lost in all this emotion

Missing you, missing who you are
making me stronger than who I am!

Nervous

I'm nervous
waiting
anticipating

Adonis
coming to see me.

Confused about how I feel
What is real

Adonis
coming to my door

Wondering at my worth
my value

Adonis
coming to see me

Trying to summon courage
No need to worry
I am beautiful
and wonderful

I am fearfully & wonderfully made!

Met a maestro today
a poet, a devil
A Hungarian mish-mash
goulash
whatever.
Inspired to words,
languages
forever.
Theasaurus
A chorus
Incomplete
Without feet
Journey continues on

Some thoughts

I wish I knew how to thank you
For what you said
For your apology

I don't know how to thank you though. What can I offer you, what can I give you that will show you how much I appreciate what you wrote.

I thought of this a while. Can I give you my soul - belongs to God. My spirit - belongs to him as well. Would I offer you my body, in thanks. I consider it a while, but I thought that maybe you would misunderstand my intentions, and all I didn't want that. I just wanted to say thanks.
But you don't know how much this means to me. One of those women who has longed for chivalry and watched it die. When it happens now, I react badly - I wonder what they want, what am I supposed to give in response. And here I am now, wanting to give & not knowing how!

So I give you my friendship, my love, my loyalty, it isn't much. I'm sorry, but it is all I have that is mine to give! So please accept the pennies that are offered, and know that they are given for standing up, and speaking out. And staying strong despite what the world wants you to do.

To a beautiful man

I wish I knew how
to say all the words
inside me right now
As I gaze in your eyes

That you fight for me still
when the world says no more
and you bear no ill-will
for me evening the score

My heart will rejoice
that you allow me a voice
To speak up & speak out
And I still can be me

I am beautiful here
because you look at me clear
You see the woman I am
You are a wonderful man.

A little crack!

My heart broke a little
A small, little crack
The tiniest of shatterings
Stopped me dead in my tracks

Made me think of the path
Heading down in my mind
Saw the stop sign ahead of me
A definitive sign!

The heart hurts a bit
My mind aches a little
But at least I'm now stopped
And I stand here alone!

Crying out to my Jesus
Trying not to hear lies
Knowing truth I am worthy
I am not all despised

Listening truth as it's spoken
Make sure that I hear
Truth again, I'm not broken
What I'm hearing is clear

I'm a child of the King
A princess in waiting
I'm desirable and wanted
That's the truth that's awoken

Prayer of David!

I can't stop thinking about you
I pray
My thoughts are always on you
I pray
My mind won't forget you
I pray

In everything I do, I'm reminded of you
I smile
I wake up from my sleep and I think of you
I smile
I start to write to you
I smile

O Lord, may my smiles be from you
Commit my heart to you
And all that I think of, come from you

A psalm

I am lost without you
I am in a feverish state
Crying out for you,
stretching out my hand to you

And yet, you are right beside me
Gently, moping my fevered brow
Whispering into my ear

My precious, precious child
I will never leave you or forsake you

I am here beside you
Right here next to you
Do not cry so harshly for me
for I can hear your quiet cries
the sobs & whimpers as you are sleeping

I am here beside you
comforting and calming you
Do not reach so far ahead for me
Just turn your head and you will see me.

Do not look for me
in your fevered state
But know in your heart
that I am here, always here for you.

I love you
You are mine
I love you
Do not forget that
I desire you
I long for you
I chase you
I create for you
Everything I do, is for you.

I die for you

Ties that bind, ties that are broken

In speaking the words to you
In declaring who you are
The ties were broken

In waking up alone
And standing up more broken
The ties are bound

Seeing a path before me
Two roads, I had a choice
I chose to take the one
Already decided for me

And now, I am bound to that
direction
path
future
Until another choice is given

And so the silent words are
uttered
And the spell which bound
undone
Moving forward, not
looking backward

Indescribable
Unutterable
Simply
Being

Sometimes I think too much
I ponder and wonder
And come to a terrible conclusion

Emotional one side
Logical the other
Schzio!

Puzzled pieces still scattered to the
ends of the earth

One day,
to be made whole

Then fly & soar

And be free

I feel like I've lost you
I don't know what to say
The silence is more stifling
The words get in the way.

I don't know how to do this
To trust that you're ok
To know that we are friends still
The doubts get in the way.

I've surrendered you already
I've given you to Him
I can't keep holding onto you
I'm not sure I can stay

My heart it's cold and dark
It's silent in its beats
I'm letting it stay frigid
Not going near the heat.

I'm thinking of you always
Even though it's much too hard
I wish this heart of mine
would just stop beating

One day
I'll fly away
I'll soar and then be free

One day
I'll leave this earth,
this body and be ME!

In answer to community

My heart soars, longs & aches for you
I cry out & howl at the moon for you
My whole being mourns at all you have lost
and laughs at all you will gain

How can I express how I feel about
who you are.
The more I see you, the more I know you
and the more I love you
I cannot express enough in words how
much I long to soar with your spirit & soul

I want to stand on the mountain tops & scream
I want to fly in the clouds & dream
Of possibilities, of fantasies, of reckless abandon
breaking the shackles of this world & soaring.

I envy you, your ability to release yourself.
I want to watch you across a crowded room
with a glass of wine in my hand. See you working
the crowd, charming the women, and crowing with the
men. I just want to watch & see who you are, see if you notice
me watching you, seeing you. All of you.

Come, smell my hair & we will fly together.

See you soon

I will see you soon
And my dreams will be reality
I will look on you and say
Here you are.

I'll be coming soon
To the land of opportunity
To be seeing you
And sharing lives

I'll be wandering
Around the land that
you now call your home
Seeing family, and
making friends.

I have joy inside, and
a peace that now knows
no bounds. And I know
that I will be there soon.

The Eyes have it

Eyes are the window to the soul
can't wait until eye can see you.
eye have looked for you all my life

Seen you in many different forms
looked for you in many different places
eye saw you when I looked into my father's eyes

Eye see you when I look into my brother's eyes
My heart bursts with recognition
I cradle my soul in my hands, humming
in wonderment at how I've missed you.

You have been there, in everyone I've meet
All those I fell in love with before
It was you I was seeing
How could I have not recognised you?

Music uplifts me, draws me closer to the eternal
But you, I just look into the eyes, see into the
hearts, gaze into the souls of my dear, sweet
loves, and there you are looking back at me.

Who am I without you?

When you speak
My words are spoken
When you joke
My laughter flows
When you walk
My shoes leave footprints
When you talk
My soul it knows

Who you are
Is my story
Who am I
Your answer too
Can we really live alone
People need people need people need people
What's the question?
How to tell you I'm not whole

Never realised
till you came here
that I'll never be complete
That parts of me are missing
Until returned to me
When you come into my life
or when anyone passes through
Another piece of me returns
The jigsaw slowly getting done

I have no idea for how long
You & I we will be friends
I rejoice & wonder at you
For a moment without end
If its only for a whisper
that I have you in my life
I will once again thank God
For the jigsaw pieces person I've become.

I'm sorry Jay, you've been usurped

There is a lightness in my soul
From talking with you
There is a sadness in my soul
At your hurt

There is a part of me rejoicing
once again
As a missing piece of me has been
found

Shattered soul, no more is broken
pieces coming together once more
With the laughter & irreverence you provoke
Life is once again restored