Help!

Despair
Such utter despair
And every earthly kind of fear
Descending upon me
Driving me
Deeper into
Despair!

"Help", a tiny whisper
I don't know
how to get
out of this
How to find
my way out!
Pray
Help
I just want to
get away from this
Only one release I know
The release of blood
Blood sacrifice
To appease the
Demon of Despair!

Wants & Needs

I don't know what I want anymore
I don't know what I need
I'm not sure what I'm searching for
Or even if I am anymore.

It all just seems to be gone
Pointless
Meaningless
Not worth the fight.

I want you, but only to protect me
To guard me from myself
But last time I asked that of you
You withdrew!

I need you to touch me again
To scald me with your touch
To burn in me a sense
That I can feel again.

Your arms wrapped around me
I need the simplicity
I need to be away
from everything.

I have so many crutches
addictions, none of them good
But you. You are beauty
You are perfection
Holy, in a way a man should not be!

It is sacreligious that I think of you this way
I'm not sure that I can believe in the
things of my youth.
I need to feel - I've lost my faith

I've lost my way, and deep down
in a crevice hidden deep in my heart
There is the sound of my soul breaking
A long hidden sob crying out
And if you listen carefully & quietly you can hear it!

I don't know how to do this without you
I don't know how to find my way back
I'm not sure I can do this
Crawl back from the darkness that is in my mind
Memory is a constant reminder of
what I've allowed to be created in order to hide.

I need you. I need somebody. I need.....to be fixed.
Isn't that what you said you did.
Can I not come to you, and ask that you heal me
Put your hands on me, and burn away the dark,
the sin, the horror, the blackness that I have become.

Harmony & Lullabies

Sing me a lullaby
Let your sweet voice sooth my dreams
Sing me a lullaby
As you watch over me

Sing me a lullaby
That I drift away from the
ugliness of life here
Sing me a lullaby
So I can forget the darkness for a while

Oh, sweet, angel voice
Sweet, sweet spirit
Guardian
Soldier
Protector
Believe in you, even if
you only exist in my mind

Surrender to your voice
Submit myself to you
Get lost inside my head
And live where you love me
Forever
Always
Beauty surrounding
Beautiful Me

To sleep, perchance to dream
To dream, perchance to love you.

Obedience

I should be obedient
But all I have been doing is rebel
I'm supposed to worship you
I think maybe that I'm going to hell

It is wilful disobedience
I'm refusing to surrender to your will
I'm not listening to the quiet voice
Not wanting to keep so very still

I'm afraid of what you'll ask of me
I'm scared that I'll give up
all my hopes & dreams
Will you ask for the impossible
that I live a life that is still unseen

I want to be loved -
will you ask that I live a life alone
I want to go elsewhere
will you ask that I consider only one place home
I want to be worked hard
will you ask that I sit and contemplate
I want a family
will you ask me to forsake all this for you

So can you see why I'm being disobedient
I don't want to be, but I'm afraid of you
Ask for my surrender, and I wish I could
say yes
But this hold on me, it's too hard to let go

All I'm offering is a tiny little step
That's all I can give to you
I'm not even sure what's next
Maybe one more step that follows,
then one more.
One day maybe I'll discover
that my life is once more yours.

Not about you

I can't sleep without you
Can't stop thinking of you
Just sing me a lullaby

I'm addicted to you
All this pain I'm going through
Just sing me a lullaby

Let me close my eyes
And dream far away
Of a place of peace
Where you can't haunt me

So sing me a lullaby
Don't wake me when I scream
Just sing me a lullaby
And maybe I won't dream

Petals on a breeze

You don't send me flowers
yet I lay awake for hours
thinking of you.

I want to give you love
the way that you gift it to me
But I don't know how to.

So I just wish upon a star
send you petals on a breeze
give you kisses in my dreams

And say in my own way
that I love you

Inside

I don't go out anymore
Not really
I stay at home
I watch TV
And sleep, sleep
perchance to dream

I am afraid
Of the dark
Of the night
Of being alone
So I hide myself

I am in a desert now
Wandering without food or water
Or anything like that
I cannot express to those around me
But I'm slowly dying inside
I don't let anyone close anymore
It's hard & it hurts

They think I'm developing a thick skin
That I'm maturing
and growing
But I'm fading
and dying
And they don't understand
don't want to understand
don't know how to understand
And do not know what questions to ask anyway.

You

The smell of you lingers for a moment more
Before it disappears
And the feel of your arms wrapped around me
slowly the sensation leaves
And the rain will keep on falling
And I'll pretend that
It doesn't hurt
To say goodbye!

And I don't know when I'll see you again
And it won't be the same anyway
Because this time
I saw you
You
Who you really are
You, who will be there for me
In my darkest hour
You, who I will never call
because I couldn't let
You
see me like that!

And right now, for a moment
the darkness pulls me in
I listen to sad songs
And dream that you are still near
and remember the moment
when I really saw you.

And I miss you
and my heart hurts
but only for a moment
because it always hurts to feel
and so I don't allow it for very long
especially goodbyes.

So, so long for now
and maybe it'll be a year
and maybe it will be two
Or maybe a lifetime
And maybe I'll pick up the phone
one day, when the pain is too much
and say those words
I need you
Or maybe I won't need to.
Maybe the pain of feeling anything
won't be so bad anymore

So dear, dear one
My Gorgeous
This is a poem for you
And don't read too much into it
'cos I write it as I still feel the pain
of yet another goodbye
And I promise to write brighter poetry
again, someday soon!

Live well, live bright
Live strong and Live long
At least until you're 80 years old
For me at least
So long.

Masks

This is a poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar!

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Surprises

You were going to surprise me on my birthday
Yeah I read the comment you wrote
On my friends blog
Asking when my birthday was!

Well the day has been and gone
And in our friendship
We've moved on
But still I want you to know
I like surprises!

So surprise me
any day of the week
any month, or any year
It can just be a phone call
Telling me that you are here!
I really don't mind surprises
Especially from you
It's nice to know you're remembering me
While I'm remembering you

It seems that it's always me
Giving you a call
Or writing you an email
Or bothering you at all
I really don't mind that
It's no hardship for me
But still it's nice to know you care
And are thinking still of me!

So when you're old and in your 30's
Just remember you've a friend
Who lives half way around the world
And drives you round the bend
But who always likes to remember
That sometimes you need a call
to be reminded that you're cared
about!
From me to you - that's all

Bouncy

I feel so bouncy
and flouncy
I've got that song of Angel's in my brain
I'm renting
I'm venting
A musical is making me go insane

La vie boheme
It's just flying through my brain
A musical
the music is just flowing through my veins

The rhythm
exciting
inviting
I want to beat it out
on drums of steel
My head
pounding
rebounding
I've got to get this musical appealed

La vie boheme!!

You're a boy and I'm a girl

You're a boy, and I'm a girl
And I don't know what to say to you
We don't date
We don't hate
We're just friends
and I don't know how to do this!

I read a book
I took a look
and how I'm supposed to be with guys I love
But it's not the same
with you & I
We're just friends
Unless I got it wrong again

I wish I knew
what to say
when you don't talk anymore!
Is it just me
Or something else
I'm such a girl
with no success!

Before we met,
I knew just how, I should be with you
I bit of this, a hint of that
It was all so playful!
But now we've seen
It was like a dream
But I got over that
You're still the same
We're still both annoying brats

Is it just me
the paranoia of a female mind
Are we no more
friends of a different kind
I wish I knew
how to talk to you again
Are you afraid
that my feelings have changed.

So let's be clear
At least in poetry and song
I'm just your friend
that's all I've ever wanted all along!
We may have touched
a different part of each other's souls
But that don't mean
that I don't want you in my life anymore!

Icy

I'm numb
that's what this is
Or icy & cold
Or frozen inside
Or maybe I'm fire
all molten ablaze
I'm not sure
I'm lost
Can't get out of the maze

In a daze
is this what it feels
like when you're no
longer in love
when you reach for the
stars that aren't
there anymore
Is this what it feels like
when there's nothing
to do
except think, and ponder
and wander anew.

Is this what the aftermath
is like when you're coping
not laughing, or crying
not weeping or joking.
Is this what it feels like
when your heart is breaking
Or maybe it's broken
Oh why am I shaking.

Is this what it feels like
to be truly alone
to be lost in your mind
when there's nobody home
Is this my worst nightmare
to be trapped in this fog
With no hope of rescue
No hope of God

It's the ice, that i'm feeling
there's no fire or passion
Just dull, boring senses
that no longer matter
It's the cold, freezing chill
Of the lonliest people
that's now in my bones
And spreading it's feeling

My heart is now frozen
The Snow Queen is in
There's no real emotion
It's too hard.
It's no sin.
There's no more safety
there is plenty to fear
I'm going to sleep now
I don't want to hear

Sorry

I haven't been to see you
I haven't even called
I want to be so close to you
But there's a distance
There's a wall

I wish I knew how to say it
I wish I could speak those words
But it's been so long
I'm afraid of what could go wrong

Are you asking me for too much
You want the truth & not a lie
It's hard to hold on to you
When my vision is going blind

I'm trying to reach out for you
but it seems so hard to do
I'll keep on trying
I'll keep on fighting
One day, one day soon

Who am I and Who I am

Who am I
And how was I made
Am I a jigsaw puzzle
made of lots of different pieces
and is every piece of me
Made from what other people shaped

Who I am
I am a piece of music
A piece of fiction
a piece of a person
a piece of a soul
a piece of a spirit
a piece of creation
a piece of the God who made me now
a piece of you and what you are too me
a piece of her & what she gave me
a piece of him & how he loved or hated me
a piece of whoever is in my life right now

Who am I
and is this the way
I should be
Made up of pieces that other
people gave me?

Love Poems

a love poem for my teeth
I heard the poet say
and he talked about something beautiful
but ugly got in the way!

Write a love poem for your body
for the parts that you
really don't love
He told his tiny audience
That's a directive sent from above.

I'd like to write a love poem to my body then
To the parts that I really hate
lets start with the area just below my
shoulders, and wander on down from there.

I think we can stop at my knees though,
so is that the area called my torso??
I really don't know how to write anymore
But that's how love poems go!

Should I write how I'd like it to look like
All thin, gaunt & streamlined

Not all bumpy & lumpy
and fatty & plumpy, but
gorgeous & flat
like a sleek jaguar cat!
I'd like to look like a model,
those ones they call heroin chic!
Not sure how the rest of my body would look like
with a physique looking that sleek
a little bit odd, a little bit weird!
I think I might try growing a beard!

Ok, that's the end of the love poem
I really can't write anything more
It's all rather funny to be writing this much
About a body I'm not even sure
how I feel about, not writing more!

I'm going to work on changing the body though
not through writing a love poem on it!
Going to go to the gym, stay away from the sin
that is chocolate & pastries & more!
At least that's the plan in my head now
I don't know, will it come to fruition
Will see if it does
If not
there is always
another love poem
to write

Trust

I fight
I'm lost
I don't know where I'm going to
I shout
Do you hear me
Where are you leading me?

I yell and scream
Try & cause a scene
Do you know what you're doing with my life
I cry and weep
Try and get some sleep
I have to trust that you've got me in your hands

I'll just let go
It's more than a show
I'm depending on you to get me through
One day at a time
One moment that's mine
I trust that you will carry me

Footprints in the sand
Only one set to see
As you carry me
Carry me
Close to you
I feel your strength
Trust that I'm ok
That you're holding me close
Making it through each day

Better..

Better is one day in your courts
So take me home
I want to be with you
I long for it
My desire is to be yours
To be with you
O, take me home
Draw me to you
Keep me by your side
May I be your queen
Take me home
To be with you forever
I just want to be with you forever
I long & desire you, to be with you
Always with you, forever you
Only you.


I am not of this world
Never will be
Never was
My soul & mind
struggle with this mortal coil
Most times I am restless
in spirit
fighting against the confines
of this imprisonment
There are moments, merely moments
of peace.
A quiet within
A true silence
When I think of you, of being with you for eternity!

The CURSE

And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master. Genesis 3:10

I am cursed to want you
I'm cursed to love you
I'm cursed to desire you
I'm cursed to fear you
the power you have
over me
Will you treat me right
will you keep me safe
will you protect me - even from yourself?

Who is my protector
Who will fight for me
Who will guard my honour
Rescue me?

I......don't know how

We need to talk
But can I tell you
of the fears inside
my mind

I need to tell you
But I don't know
if you will
respond in kind

Rejection?
Retreat?
Take the safety net
from under my feet?

I want to tell you
I'm lost inside my head
I want to love you
Can it be said?